At one point in my life, my mind had been trapped, caged by the past if you will. All I could ever think about was the past. Past hurts, past failures. Who did what to me in the past. Holding on to the feeling of hurt, and disappointments. The feeling that reminded me to Never trust again. Never progressing, and moving forward, but stuck mentally living in the past. I was living on a conveyer belt, mindset never changing and past situations on repeat.

Every day when I awoke, I was re living my past. Arrested in my mind. I was 24 raising 4 boy children. I had an adult body but a child-like mindset, I was stuck. Stuck in depression, low self worth, poverty, rejection, oppression and stuck in poverty; however, my body was growing daily.

In and out of church, going through the motions trying to figure out this thing called life. I served in the church on the dance team, working in child care and, I served as a greeter. I was trying to get it right. I was doing all of this earnestly searching for Christ. I didn’t know who to trust, who to follow. I didn’t know the voice of God, or if this was the way to find him. I’m trying to do what I have heard in the past what was right. I was trying to go to church and get me some Jesus. All the while I also felt someone watching me.

When I got serious about my walk with christ I began to be a lot more consistent in church. Showing up for practices and available on my post every time, on time. That is all I knew, and that is what I stood on. I stayed consistent with that. From that I began to be more faithful, and my mindset began to change. I just continued to show up and be available when I was needed and hoped and prayed that I was becoming a better person. Looking back, as I became more consistent hell began to break loose. Yes Chile, it got worse.

Although I was more serious about my walk with Christ, I was still in the world. My mind was changing, and my heart was changing, however, I was still hanging around the same people, living the same lifestyle. I was pregnant with my daughter. This changed everything. I could not birth her in the world I was living in. In a world of chaos, lies, foolishness. No I had to get right. I had to stop allowing the enemy to use me and keep me in bondage. I had to own up to the hell I caused myself and other people. I had to begin to come out of poverty and right as many wrongs as I could before she came.

I had created a life of mess. I had to stop and say “it is me. I am the problem”. at 30 I had played victim way too long. I had to acknowledge that I played a major role in my life, I was the lead. Yes, what happened to me happened. I grew up low self esteem, low self worth, depressed and all the other ugly foolishness that comes a long with it. However I am 30 now. How long am I going to play victim. How long am I going to allow what someone said to me control y life, control my feelings? How long will I lay in my mess and not take responsibility for my own life. I don’t have to stay a victim, I can get up and wash off anytime I am ready.

I had to face my demons and tell myself I really am not as good as I think I am. I had to decide it was time for me and my children to come out of poverty and come out of income based housing and move into a house we can call our home. I wanted my daughter to be delivered at the best hospital and to grow up in a different environment and not experience the struggle the boys and I have experienced.

It was then, all hell began to break loose in my life. I couldn’t understand why or even what was going on. My world began to fall a part and I was in shock. Even my delivery was different. All of my boys I had with no problem. I had them natural, no pain medicine, no epidural. I stayed at home till I couldn’t take the pain , I got to the hospital I was 9 centimeters, they prepped me and I had a baby.

But because I dared to make a decision to raise her differently, to have a better life and not remain the black sheep, because I dared to trust God, all hell broke loose. I was due in a few weeks and requested an ultra sound for my mom to see our first baby girl. She was already so special because my mom has 14 grandchildren and she is the only girl. Duruing the ultrasound the tech discovered my daughter was breech and advised me to go see the doctor. My doctor was shocked. She asked me was I ready to have a baby. NO! Was my reply. She explained because she was breech they would have to induce my labor. We will do a version she said. She explained this is where they would pick the baby up and turn her face down and I could still have a vaganal birh. Don’t worry she said, I’ve never had a version that didn’t work. We scheduled the induction on September 7th, because my mom’s birthday is September 8th and mine in September 9th.

Day of delivery my sister took me to the hospital. We checked in and finally made it back to our room. Since I found out she was breech and the doctor explained the procedure to me, I advised her I didn’t want an epidural and I explained why. I didn’t have one with my boys, and I didn’t want one with my daughter. The anisthesiast came in my room and said “I heard you are not happy to see me, most women love me”. I responded no, and if you would please leave my room I would highly appreciate it.

My sister was shocked! She apologized for my behavior and informed him I was usually not like that. He assured me it was going to be ok and I would be feeling good in no time. What he didn’t understand was I enjoyed labor and everything that comes with it even the pain. He was then called to an emergency in another room that student anisthesiast had to do my epidural and I had to get a spinal tap and on top of all of that, my sister could not stay in the room with me whil they filled my tap and epidural. I broke into tears as the student anisthesiast had a difficult time getting my tap in. I could feel it each poke. After the tap was in and the epidural was working, some time liter the doctors came in to do the version. One doctor on each side of me digging into my sides trying to pick the papby up to turn her. The first attempt failed. They tried again. This time the lights in the room began to flicker and they failed again. They tried one more time. Thie third attempt the monitor began to flicker on and off. They had to stop. If they couldn’t monitor the baby’s heart rate they couldn’t contine. It’s time to have a baby, the doctor said. Oh! When I tell you I was devistated. I couldn’t believe it. She assured me it would work! Why is this happening to me. Lord why?

I watched the whole process of the c-section through the lamp above me. The doctor sliced me with her machete and pulled that baby out. During the process she showed my sister my insides. My intestines and all the things you could see while I was laid helpless on the table. At the time my sister was a nurse. In nursing school everyone is supposed to see a c-section, however, she did not get to experience one, so she got the full experience with my body.

After I had my daughter and was released to go home my life began spiraling out of control. Not understanding why all I could do was roll with it. I lost my home, my boys whiled out, I lost my job, I mean it was crazy. for two 1/2 three years my life spiraled out of control and I couldn’t do anything about it. I tried stopping it but there was no stopping the storm. I even ended up leaving the ministry I had been in for 13 1/2 years.

What I didnt understand until I was today years old is, God was removing everything that was not like him out of my life. He was re-positioning me, to set me on a narrow road to him. I didn’t understand it. At the time I didn’t know that when God compresses time and move things out of our lives, and shifts us to re position us, it doesn’t always feel good and you feel like you’re losing big time. Psalms 37:25 says ” I’ve never seen the righteous forsaken nor his seed begging bread. There were times when it was real rough, and it got real tight, I mean real tight; however, he always came through.

For years I have asked God why? Why did I go throuh all of that? I’m sure there was an easier, Less painful way? Then I have to remember, my life is not my own. The hell I went through, I went through for someone else. There was no one I felt comfortable enough to speak to about my situation to guide me through it. There is someone Christ is trying to reach that needs my testimony, that needs my guidance. There is someone out there that needs you. God created us all to lean and depend on each other. I need you, just as much as you need the next person. Our life eis not our own. We have to get to a point where we realize when we are in that situation where it feels like our life is falling apart, that every decision we make, the very next step we take, is very crucial. We stop, we pray and we listen for instruction. So when the time comes, with wisdom and experience, we can guide the next person.