I am slowly getting it. It is the Holy Spirit in me that connects me to Christ. That is what Christ meant when he said; I am the vine, and you are the branches. Apart from me, you can’t do anything. (John 15:5)

This is what makes me spiritual. The Holy Spirit inside me is what guides me. Christ does love me. How do I know? He gave me his Holy Spirit with the evidence of speaking in a heavenly language.

The crazy thing is, I have heard this over and over by my late pastor, Darby, but it never clicked until now. I believe it was because I had so much filth in me that I couldn’t hear what the Spirit of God was saying.

I had so much hurt, disappointment, anger, and sin in me that it blocked the voice of God. I fought hard for over 15 years to get free from my past. There were many nights and days I didn’t think I would make it. Always in fight or flight mode. With my walls up, never trusting anyone it was me and my children against the world. It brings a whole new meaning to the song by Kurt Carr: I almost let go. That is what the enemy does. He keeps you distracted, so you will miss the move of God in your life.

I didn’t expect to see 48, but here I am in 2024, getting ready to go into 2025 with my own business and 3 grandchildren. By the time I was in my 30s, I expected to be dead, sleeping in my grave. Imagine my shock to see 40.

Why am I here, Lord, was my question. It took me 47 years to understand that my work here was incomplete. Yes, I went through Hell; some of it was my fault, and some of it was not. Just because I went through it doesn’t mean that is the end of my story. No, no, no, there is a whole lot more. More facets of God I must see. Christ is too kind to allow me to go through what I went through, and then I die, regardless of what I want. We are created to worship; he wants his worship out of me. I have to get to know him as a healer. A healer of my mind, body, and broken heart, I have to know him as a deliverer. A deliverer of my circumstances, my situation, a deliverer of my soul, my destiny, I have to know him as a way maker, a promise keeper, a light in the darkness. I have to know him as Jehova my provider, I have to know him as a mother, as a father as a protector and so much more.

Yes my beginning was rough, but my latter will be greater. The best is yet to come. He is preparing a table before my enemies. He is preparing a grand finale like no other. It will all work out for my good.

Yes, I went through the storm, but he is cleaning all the smoke and suit off my life. He is restoring me and bringing me out without the stench of smoke in my life. I seen a shirt that says; if you bring up my past, you have to know Christ dropped the charges.

So, everyday I will press on. On difficult days I will press, on good days I will press. I will repent and worship all the days of my life, just like David did when he was bringing home the Ark of the Lord in 2nd Samuel.

I want to see this through to the very end. I want to be bold and powerful for Christ. I want everything back that the Devil stole from me. I want my peace, joy, confidence, favor of the Lord, and sound mind back.

I will be free from condemnation; I will be free from the spirit of the world. I am saved by his grace. He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6.