It would have been really sweet if my story of getting saved and coming to know Christ was like many others. I hear stories all the time. How they were so happy to know Christ and how they wanted to tell everyone about him and what he had done for them. The stories are awesome; unfortunately, that is not my story.

When I decided to give my life over to Christ, I was still in a place of hurt and disappointment and low self-worth. I did not trust nor did I allow anyone to know the real me because I had been battered and bruised and disappointed so much. I knew I had to make a decision in my life, but I didn’t want to have a boring Christian life; however, I didn’t want to continue to be on the conveyor belt of failure I was on.

The real me stopped developing when I began to experience trauma. It began in the 5th grade, and by the 6th grade, I was unknowingly building walls and tucking the real me away. Although I continued to grow and go through the motions of life, have children of my own, and move out, the real me was locked away, underdeveloped. The real me was even locked away from the love of Christ. When I should have been allowing Christ to heal my heart, and his Holy Spirit to navigate this life with me, I was unknowingly locked away, traumatized, and undeveloped.

As an adult when I tried to go in the direction the Holy Spirit told me to go it didn’t seem to work out for me. It seemed like everything he told me to do only made things worse for me. Eventually, I began to tell him no and go my own way. I could never see how it would work out for my good. Things always seemed to not turn out for me. I spent many years on this dead-end path.

However, I am in a new season. Of course, I have repented and turned from sacrifice to obedience. I am now in a new chapter of my life and a new season. I am in a season of seeking Christ in spirit and in truth. I am learning to fall in love with Christ and spend more time with him. I am learning who he is to me. I’m Learning to trust him with my whole heart. I’m letting go of my fears and running towards Christ. I’m putting away my past of not trusting and going my own way.

As Christ was remolding me, there were times I would say Lord you go before me. I will not go without you. However, I hear the Lord saying You go and there in the midst I will be. I’m at a point in my life where that is no longer scary to me. I have heard that before and I did it and I failed. I wasted money and time and I looked like a fool. I would be embarrassed and tell the Holy Spirit no. I threw my guard up and wouldn’t allow anyone in, not even the Holy Spirit.

This time when I go, I am going as a broken vessel ready to be used by God. I am going to allow God to use me and have his way, even if I look dumb doing it. Not caring what others say or think about me. The real me has come out of hiding and is being developed every day. I now arise as a broken vessel ready to be used by the most high. I have confidence, I have peace, I have strength, and I have a God that fights for me. I know who I am and I know who’s I am. His grace is sufficient and his mercy is everlasting. Yea, though I walk through the shadow of death I will fear no evil for I know my God is with me. As my confidence grows mind battles and fear begin to cease. As I begin to trade my ashes for his beauty, the scales of disappointment, and hurt, the dirt and stains from sin begin to fall off.

I now know I am fearfully and wonderfully made. A gracefully broken vessel ready to step into my calling and ready to be used by God.

Have an amazing day

Lady H.