The last couple of weeks I have been putting my life back together. However, June 25th was my wedding anniversary. The first 2 1/2 years were hell for me. On our wedding day, we got married in our pastor’s chambers. The ministry got us a hotel room for the evening to celebrate.

My dad along with the elder of our ministry were the witnesses. It had been such a fight getting to that point. We dated for 5 years. He lived in Ohio and I lived in Indiana. We met over the phone through our job. We worked for a company that processed credit and debit cards. I only processed credit cards. He was skilled in credit and debit card processing. Anytime I received a debit card call I had to transfer it to the hub in Cincinnati and it seemed he always answered the phone. He worked 2nd shift and I worked 3rd.

After we left the church, we were taking dad home. Do you feel any different he asked? No, I replied. I don’t either he said. Dad wanted to stop and get him some chicken. We stopped by Indi’s and took him home.

We went home and packed the necessary items and then checked into the hotel. What do we do? We sat and watched a little television. We just kind of chilled. Do you feel any different, he asked again. No, I replied again. Then he flipped out. I had never seen anything like it. I asked him what his problem was and he said MY WIFE DOESN’T FEEL LIKE MY WIFE! he exclaimed. Now, they weren’t the exact words he used. That was the clean version. I looked at him and just shook my head and said ok. I should have known then I was going to have a difficult road ahead of me.

When we first got married I was a Christian and he was of another belief and had a lot of church hurt. For the first 2 1/2 years I have been dealing with his stupid demons nasty attitude and his stupid beliefs and praying over him. The whole time I heard the Lord say, don’t say anything to him.

What he meant by that is I can’t flip out on him and I can’t always throw back in his face how he has hurt me or any of that. Do you know how difficult that was? Every day he was saying or doing something and before I went off on him the Holy Spirit would say “Don’t say that”. I would have to shut up. I got so good and shutting up that I would shut down on him for days and probably weeks. I wouldn’t talk to him, look at him or anything. I would talk, laugh, and go out with everyone else but him. It made him so angry. He would get so mad at me and flip out.

I never associated myself with pure mean people with a garbage mouth. For the whole 5 years I didn’t see this side of him and the first day of marriage the real him came out. Now, needless to say, he has changed a lot and has apologized for his actions; however, the disappointment and the hurt are still there. During his time of development, I had to keep my mouth shut and find things that made me happy to keep from focusing on leaving this man and never wanting to get married or even being in a relationship again.

Overcoming depression and then walking right into this? I was so confused. Why would you allow this God? I just couldn’t understand it. I was better off by myself. Sometimes, no a lot of times God’s way is not convenient for us. This is why he doesn’t give us the full picture, because if we knew we wouldn’t go when he calls us to go.

I sent a text to a very close friend and told her something was wrong. It was my anniversary, I’m not happy about it. All the disappointment and pain has re-surfaced and it is interrupting my prayer time. She called me and we talked for a moment and explained to her what I was going through.

I try to stay out of my feelings because I know feelings are not fact. They change all day every day. So I stay out of my feelings; however, I can’t shake this feeling. This feeling has bought tears to my eyes and my heart is aching.

Look, I ain’t no punk, but OMG. She asked me a couple of questions and she asked me why I was holding on to this hurt? She asked are you really heald from what your family done to you? She said sis, it sounds like you haven’t allowed God to truly heal you. After she said that, I felt like Gru in Despicable Me. Light bulb.

I sing about his healing in church and out, I thank him for his healing, I thought I was healed, but when the enemy reminds me of those times (which I truly try not to think about) I begin to well up again.

My husband asked me a couple of days ago, why is it when I suggest something you never receive it or you blow it off? Then when you hear it from the Holy Spirit, you act on it? At first I told him I didn’t know, then I responded, your asking me right? Yes he replied. I asked him, do you really want to know the truth? Yes he responded. I told him everything. I told him how he hurt me, how I was disappointed how it made me feel, how the Lord kept me from leaving him. I told him everything.

You can hit someone over the head with a skillet and say sorry, however, the knot is still there. The pain is still there. The effects of his ways are still there and I told him only God can heal this.

So, this week, I am seeking the Lord for true healing and restoration of my heart and I hope and pray if there is someone or something has been done to you, that has hurt you, that you seek true healing. It is not going to happen overnight. This will take time. So, spend time with the Lord and allow his Holy Spirit to love on you and minister to you. Spend time in his word and see what he says to you.

Lady H.