I never expected to live this long. When my children were younger I made a plan for each child. I knew I would die by suicide so I first created a mental plan for each of my children.

Since they had separate fathers I knew they couldn’t all go to one place, so I interviewed people, (without them even knowing what I was planning), to keep my children for me if something happened.

I knew I did not want my family to get my children and I wanted someone to keep them that would love them as much as I do and would take care of them without dragging my name through the mud and disqualifying everything I tried to do for my children.

That is how strong death’s grip was on me. I had no idea of God’s plan for me. The mind battles were so bad, that I thought daily of how I would take myself out of the game but I had to ensure my children would be cared for. I had nothing to offer them and felt I couldn’t care for them, I had to get off this earth. I didn’t have money. Every job I got after 2 years I would get fired. I got further and further behind in bills. It seemed every vehicle I got either ended up breaking down or I ended up totaling it. So, every year I would purchase a new to me car. My family talked about me behind my back like a dog. They highlighted every error I made. All I could think about was why am I even here Lord? Is this my purpose? This is what you have me here for? Oh! you can have this I’m out!

I didn’t care I would spend eternity apart from him, I wanted free from this torment and pain on earth.

Can you believe it! The enemy had me interviewing people to give my kids to because I was giving up. Because it was all about me. How selfish is that? Oh Lord and the torment and pain I would have experienced going to Hell would have been so much worse than what I was feeling. You do know if you commit suicide, it is an automatic ticket to Hell? Hell really is a place.

I had a weak mindset. Listening to the enemy, my mind became weak and more weak. It was the same serpent Eve listened to in the Garden of Eden.

I had to change my mindset. I had to get out of myself. I didn’t know that was what I needed, but one day a strong feeling came over me and I felt the need to go to church and every time I didn’t go it would stay on me, annoying me. Go to church, go to church. I didn’t want to go to church because I knew it would mean reaching out to the very one that caused my depression in the first place.

After I joined church I never left. Trials and tribulations came and went. Ups and downs came and went. Hills and valleys came and went, but it was different this time. I have hope. I have peace. I have a joy this world didn’t give and the world can’t take away. I am being guided not by my own thoughts but by Christ’s Holy Spirit. I forgave my mother and siblings, and I forgave myself. I learned to stand and fight what is fighting me. I grew and got stronger mentally. We have to stop listening to that awful voice in our minds and we have to direct our efforts, time, and attention to something bigger than ourselves.

It truly is All About God; however, you will never see it or even understand it if you don’t step out of the darkness and come into the light. Step out of your mind and face reality. You have to contend with the root cause of your mental illness. It isn’t easy. If it were easy it wouldn’t be worth fighting for.

This evil seed was sown when I was a baby. I didn’t do anything wrong. Because my mother listened to the same devil Eve did, and she thought my father loved me more than her, jealousy ruled her and I became enemy number 1.

I was a baby! How is that even possible? Here I am about to be 48 and I am still fighting. I have to go before the Lord daily! I have to fast to quiet my flesh to hear the Lord often. I have to worship daily. I have to listen to motivational speakers that I may never meet tell me I am fearfully and wonderfully made and I can do it and if I don’t do it my gifts will die with me. I have to do this daily! I have to read the scriptures and the promises of God daily! Every day I get up I have to grind daily! Why? Because I don’t live my life for myself anymore. I live it for my children. They have seen me at my worst. They need to see me at my best now. They need to see God. I am his ambassador and I intend to get the reward due to me for all the hell I’ve gone through here on earth. I intend on receiving my reward while I’m still living. I live my life for the person who I may never meet, but is going through the same thing or even something worse that needs to see this because they can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I no longer live for me. I live for you. My reward is seeing others thrive and come up. My reward is seeing someone else give their life to Christ because of something I said to encourage them. It isn’t easy changing your mindset. It wasn’t easy hearing I am somebody and Christ loves me, when all I ever heard was I was ugly and I was dumb and I was everything but a child of God.

in Romans 8:32 it tells us Christ died, and was raised again, sitting on the right hand of God interceding for us. When I get out of my mind and I get into the word of God I learn yes I will go through difficult times but I have someone far greater than man, on my side. I have God, and he fights for me, Christ his son intercedes for me. He is fighting that same ol devil Eve listened to. So, I cannot lose.

When your mindset begins to change and you realize there is more to life than what you see and have experienced thus far. When you get in the game and start realizing you are worth more than you have been told and you are somebody important and someone somewhere needs you and is counting on you, you begin to stand up you begin to get some confidence about yourself and you begin to dust yourself off, as you are crawling you grow in Christ and in the confidence and power he has put in you. It isn’t easy but you begin to walk and as the Holy Spirit is leading and guiding you, you begin to walk up straight holding your head up. You may stumble a few times but you repent and return to walking the narrow path. soon you will grow more in confidence, the mind battles have quieted and you will begin to pick up a jog. Jogging towards your destiny. Jogging towards your promise land. Jogging to sit at the table the Lord has prepared for you in front of your enemies. Can you see it? I can see it. But first, you have to change your mindset.