I tried so hard not to be like her. I will not raise my children like she raised me. I will love them, I will not call them out of their name, I will not beat them, and speak negativity of them. I will encourage them and lift them up. I will speak nothing but encouraging words to them. Oh the pain that i felt from her angry strikes to my face and my body, and the sting of her words will not be the pain and rejection my children receive from me. My children will love me and love to be around me. We will all grow up and make it together. My children will love me for who I am and will never leave me. My children will be my ride or die. We will be there for one another. We will suffer and succeed together.

Wow, no one told me children grow up. They grow up to live their lives. They grow up and leave. Leave you to deal with yourself. They don’t want to be around you 24/7. They want to live and experience life. They blossom and grow and be who they are going to be. Leaving me to face my issues, leaving me to fight my demons or be consumed by them. All the rejection, the hurt, the un-stability, the loneliness, the depression, the low self esteem, the lust, the anger, the lying, the little girl crying inside just wanting her mother to love her and hug her and tell her she loves her and is so proud of her, the lack, and set back, the longing to be understood, and the wanting somebody, anybody to just say “I see you honey, I see you, the hunger for success in her finances in her children, in the job she really dis likes and the other demons she just can’t name because they are many. So, so many, so many they are called legion. Leaving me to the little girl that is angry and still hurt from her childhood. A little girl with leaking wounds that were never bandaged or healed. wounds that were covered up with sex and having children and hard situations. Wounds that are now exposed and bursting wide open

Why, why did she not love me. Why did she love them more than me? What did I do wrong? I wish I were dead, what good am I doing here? Why am I here? I am tired of the struggle, I am broke, my account stays in the negative, why, why, why? Where are you at Lord? You said you will never leave me or forsake me. You lied! Where are you? What do you want from me? Why would you allow me to go through that? Why does she hate me?

As I sit, and ponder these things, trying to deal with all my demons I just want to be free, I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to see or talk to anyone, just leave me alone. As I look to the sky with my lifeless body and I faintly as k why Lord why? A still soft voice answers, you are just like her. The same demons you fight, are the same demons she did not deal with. Now they come to fight you. Will you overcome them, or will you fight?